Doctor diaries

Hilarious and sometimes embarrassing moments in a doctor’s practice. Hope you will love them as I enjoyed reading! 
1. A man comes into the ER and yells. . ……

‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.’

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress

and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there

were several cabs – – – and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr Mark MacDonald,

San Francisco

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and

slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

‘Big breaths,’. .

I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,

Seattle , WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that

her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that

he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How

long have you been bedridden?’

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ‘

Why, not for about

twenty years – when my husband was


Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-

Corvallis , OR  

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of

tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered….. It was quickly

determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was

scheduled for immediate surgery… When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read .’ Keep off the grass.’
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said ‘Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.’
Submitted by RN JAMESON

FINALLY!! ! .. . .. . . . . . . . . . . THE FUNNIEST?
Baby’s First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud.

I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
‘Breast-fed,’ she replied…
‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a

very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed,

the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’
‘I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.’ ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„


Best quotes in surgery

๐Ÿ˜€ It is better to open and see than to wait and see. Sidney Cuthbert Wallace (1907)
๐Ÿ˜€The flat abdomen is a good abdomen. G A Decker
๐Ÿ˜€Abdominal wall closure: if it looks all right, itโ€™s too tight โ€“ if it looks too loose, itโ€™s alright. Matt Oliver
๐Ÿ˜€Better to have a piece of peritoneum on the bowel than a piece of bowel on the peritoneum.
๐Ÿ˜€Two things surgeons fear the most are God and peritonitis. Henri Mondor (1885 – 1962)
๐Ÿ˜€Never let the skin stand between you and the diagnosis
๐Ÿ˜€Who learns anatomy from books should operate on books only
๐Ÿ˜€The advent of anaesthesia has made it so that any idiot can become a surgeon. William Stewart Halsted (1852 โ€“ 1922)
๐Ÿ˜€There is an inverse relationship between the surgeonโ€™s ability and the frequency he asks for more muscle relaxants.

๐Ÿ˜€He is not even fit for a haircut under local anaesthesia
๐Ÿ˜€Blood brain barrier: the screen between the surgeon and the anaesthetist.
๐Ÿ˜€The patient who canโ€™t be intubated should be intubated.
๐Ÿ˜€Surgery is not an art, it is a personality disorder.
๐Ÿ˜€Have plenty of assistance but not many assistants. Augustus C. Bernays (1854 – 1907)
๐Ÿ˜€A good assistant does not always become a good chief, but a bad assistant never does. 
๐Ÿ˜€A good chief has always been a good assistant. Charles F. M. Saint (1886 – 1973)
๐Ÿ˜€A surgeon operates as good as his assistant permits.
๐Ÿ˜€The surgical resident is like a mushroom: kept in the dark, fed shit and expected to grow.
๐Ÿ˜€Poor surgeons can improve but poor assistants never become good surgeons. Moshe Schein
๐Ÿ˜€All bleeding eventually ceases – when the patient is dead. Guy de Chauliac (1300 – 1368)
๐Ÿ˜€The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is haemorrhage. William Stewart Halsted
๐Ÿ˜€There are four degrees of intra-operative haemorrhage: 1. Why did I get involved in this operation? 2. Why did I become a surgeon 3. Why did I become a doctor? 4. Why was I born?. Alexander Artemiev
๐Ÿ˜€Blood bank is the surgeonโ€™s gas station.
๐Ÿ˜€The most common cause of post-operative coagulopathy: poor haemostasis. Operative atlases never bleed.
๐Ÿ˜€The most important clotting factor is the surgeon. Moshe Schein
๐Ÿ˜€In men nine out of ten abdominal tumours are malignant, in women nine out of ten abdominal tumours are the pregnant uterus. Rutherford Morris (1853 – 1939)

Have a nice day.

Medical Certificate

MCI recommendations regarding issuing  medical certificate. 
1. Never give it for more than 15 days. 
2. See PT again after 15 days and re issue. 
3. Even in repeat case’s, make sure that he or she  are the patient , identyfy the pt. By photo I. D. Card , and then issue. Not to the attendants. 
3. Avoid issuing certificate for diseases which you are not treating / or trained to treat. (Other Disciplines)
4. Describe the disability at best as you can even if you don’t know how to grade it. 

*It is a legal document*
Even if you print otherwise, it is admissible in court & *you can’t say , ” that it was not intended for legal purposes”*
6. Certificate must address a particular person….”like Principal of school, employer etc. 
Don’t write whomsoever it may concern.
7. Never give from back date
8. Never give without your        OPD days.
9. Never give fitness on advanced date or back date.
10. Never give fitness, if Rest given by somebody else.
11. Give if you can justify the

      The disease or ailment       and duration also for that particular diseas.
12. If there is no disease, then always ask purpose why are you want to take medical, then only give 2- 3 days If someone’s family member in severe life threatening to attending him on humanity ground, pl veryfy it before giving, because opinion  can differ person to person.
13.  Physical, presence is must because pt. May be at abroad or heavenly never write down PNB.

14. You are responsible class one gazatted officer verifying the physical presence and attendance legally and valid document in court to to justify the presence  and absence of accused and deceased at the scene of crime.